.......

People say life is a gift. Agree, but I want to unwrap this gift. Often people don't "unwrap" this gift (life), and cherish it, and say "Ahh! It's such a beautiful gift". Maybe they don't want to unwrap. I want to, I want to unwrap this gift, and appreciate it in it's full glory.

Weird, i know.

Questions..

*Listening to Kamelot's Abandoned*

Who am I? Who are you? What am i doing here? What are you doing here? Why are we here? Why am i writing this? Why are you reading this? Is this a waste of time? Or will this change your life? Forever? For a day? For an hour? For a minute?

My mind is empty. There are no thoughts. Just questions. Questions with no answers. I'm thinking about something right now. Yes, right now.

"What if I make stupid grammatical mistakes in this post? People will make fun of me."

I have no answer. Or maybe I don't really care. Why should I care? I have no answer.
I'm lost. It's like I have reached a dead-end. It's a dead-end to me. This dead-end is like a huge wall made of bricks, countless bricks. These bricks are like questions. I stand here, and I go through each question, but in vain. I try to ignore a few questions. Somehow I manage to break through this wall and the next thing I know, i'm drowning in an ocean. I'm drowning in these questions. I call for help. Far away, I see a ship, there is hope. I try to swim. The ship moves further away, and disappears. My answer is gone. Strange....

What exactly did the above para mean? I have no answer.
Maybe I will talk about my personal life here. I think I will. Why? I have no answer.
This post makes no sense at all. There is no logic. I'm typing whatever that's on my mind.

My name is Amjad. I'm 21. And this is my story.

I grew up in Saudi Arabia. SA be my birth country. I'm an Indian. Proud to be one? No.
Childhood memories, they make me smile. I've always been a very shy kinda boy. An introvert,also. I don't talk much. I don't socialize. No, I'm not depressed. I don't slit wrists. It's just that i want to be alone. Alone with my own thoughts.

Life before 2005

I remember, during my school days, I didn't have many friends. "Hi! How are You?" kinda friends were many. But only 2 were very very close to me. They still are. Family , friends, birthday parties, video game parlors, skateboarding, football matches, tuitions and stuff like that. Internet, for me, was for music only back then. I didn't have time for internet to tell you the truth. Life was so exciting. Had no time for the gf/bf thing. Didn't like it anyways. 10 years ago, I met my best friend. Will always be thankful to God. He is more like a brother to me. He's in Delhi now, and happy. He has friends now. I don't have a problem with that. In fact, I'm happy for him. We talk on the phone sometimes. It makes me feel good. We both have so much in common - videogames, music, skateboarding, talking about almost anything and everything. Weird thing is, we never fought with each other. 10 years, all full of "LOLS" and "ROFLS". We were also known as "The Dew Boys", a Mountain Dew can, always in our hands.

Life after 2005

29th Dec,2004. The day I left Saudi Arabia. I remember, it was around 7pm when I hugged him, for the last time. For the first time in 10 years, we hugged each other in a not-so-gay manner. It was a weird feeling, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. We just laughed. It's been over 2 years now.
At the airport, it was a different scene. It was terrible. Mom couldn't stop crying, sister had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. Hugged mom and sis, and then dad. The moment i was about to hug him, i looked him in the eyes, wet. I hugged him, he said "Don't worry. Be good. Take care" and his voice started to tremble, and he broke down. A strong man, crying. I controlled myself. I laughed a bit, made a joke, he started to laugh too. And the next thing I know, I'm sitting in the departure lobby crying like a baby, that was a funny scene. I miss them so much now. I wish i could turn back time, and take away all the pain that I've given them.

Life here in India is completely different. I live with my Grandma and Aunt now, in a very old house, it's almost a century old. Strange eh? I don't have a room of my own. There is no privacy here. I hardly go out. I don't like my relatives. I don't trust them. I have a relative in almost every locality here in Lucknow. So I'm under constant surveillance wherever I go. College friends, I have none. The last bench belongs to me. I hardly talk in class. I don't know why. It's like I'm invisible in class or something. I wake up, goto college, come back, and them I'm online. Enter Orkut.

The Orkut Life

For some reason, I'm thankful to Mr.Orkut for making this awesome social networking site. I've been on Orkut for almost 2 years now. Made hell loads of new friends. I started treating them like real friends.(My real social life is still non-existent). Some stayed, some deactivated their accounts. Some I don't trust, some I do. People ask me "Why are you always online?" I have no answer. And I'm online for almost 6-8 hours everyday. When I log off, I check my scrapbook again through my mobile. I don't know why. Some say, "Go make REAL friends". But where should I go? College? Where no one gives a shit? Where everyone's busy with their love thing? Where else?
Today, I sit here, 20 scraps, pending replies. Why am I not replying? I have no answer. Why is my "pimped" profile empty? I have no answer. Friends think I'm deactivating my account. I'm not. Why am I acting this way? Maybe I want attention? I have no answer. For a minute, I want the whole world to stop, just freeze.

What's the purpose of life? Why are we here? Do you wonder? I do, now.
I think about my future. I think about my parents. I'm there only hope. They depend on me. They are 5000kms away, in a room, thinking about me and my future. And here I'm, listening to music, talking to friends, downloading stuff. Why am I doing this? What if I die tomorrow? What if I die today? My virtual friends, they will never know. In time, they will forget.
We often tend to neglect our parents and their dreams. We pretend that we care and all, by going to college and studying. Do you wonder what people will say once you are dead? As in today? I know, for me it will be like this "He was a decent kid. He was on the computer all day long though,listening to music." I know this for sure. I goto college, I study. But the society always ignores the "good" things. I'm not good at anything, be it studying, gaming, guitar. What am I going to do? How will I survive in this world? How will I support my parents, my "future" wife and kids? How?
I'm looking for a change. I'm looking for answers. I've already found the answer to one question, and it's solitude.
Listen to me,yes, YOU. Love your parents. They've always been there for you. It's your turn now. I did hate my parents when I was a kid. Now I don't. Whatever they say, I know it's for my own good. It always is. Think about those who've lost their parents, and consider yourself lucky. Friends, they come and go. Not parents.
And if you think your parents hate you (sometimes they do), be good to them. No matter how "evil" they get, remember, they are the reason why you are here, in this world.
I believe in God. He is my Saviour.
I want to runaway from everything. I want to disappear.
I'm entering a different world. Maybe I will return. Maybe I will not.
I'm lost. Everything seems so lifeless now.

Why did I type all this? Why did I talk about my personal life? I have no answer...

RIP ChunniLal

I am so sorry. Forgive me.
Will miss you...

Kamelot - Abandoned

Once my life was plain and clear
I recall
Once my ignorance was bliss
Nightfall came
Like a serpent’s kiss
To my troubled mind

Why... oh why my god...
Have you abandoned me
in my sobriety
Behind the old façade
I'm your bewildered child
So take me cross the river wide

Binding promisses were made
On my soul
Grand illusions lead astray
Ice cold winds swept my heart away
bring me back to you

Why... oh why my god...
Have you abandoned me
in my sobriety
Behind the old façade
I'm your bewildered child
So take me cross the river wide

I remember a song
like in a dream
Where September was long
And winter unreal

Why oh why my God above
Have you abandoned me
in my sobriety
Behind the old façade
I'm your bewildered child
So take me cross the river wide

How To Get Famous In Lucknow.

1. Form a band
2. Cover songs from mainstream bands (LP,Greenday,Jal,Nirvana,Metallica and some unholy indian stuff)
3. Create a community on Orkut.
4. Send invites/spread the word
5. Perform at some lame ass mall (crowd=uncles,aunties,kids and emo garlz)
6. More performances.
7. Talk shit about other bands.
8. Talk to emo garlz from the comm.
9. Get laid (highly unlikely)

And voila! you are now a musician with a fan following!

There is quantity, but no quality.

HapPEE NeeWD EeeYAAR xD

yes,2008,no,2008. its another year, same shit, sadness.
so its time time again for the revolutionary resolutions harharharhar!!!
so like, yes, i'll definitely stick to a few things, like "seriously" bleh xD

1.Watch pr0n, yes! pr0n!
2.Take up the guitar seriously,enough of covering songs,time for my originals,practice everday for an hour.
3.Watch more pr0n.
4.Study hard...ahem ahem *cough*
5.More charity, cut down on uselss spending and stuff
6.Buy an audio cd every month xD
7.More gaming. RAWR!!!!!! >.<

im tired already...sigh...
hopefully,yes, i will stick to all. uuuh...maybe just 6
\m/(>_<)\m/

A Touching Story....

What would you do? You make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way that other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs, but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no balls came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . . . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the base toward home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the way, Shay"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world".

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!



AND NOW, A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude ones pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things." So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity, or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said, "Every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them."

Everyday.....

A list of " Everything Everyday "

Sites that i visit everyday.

http://www.facebook.com
http:///www.orkut.com
http://www.last.fm/user/ReD666
http://mail.yahoo.com
http://www.youtube.com
http://www.digg.com
http://www.google.com

Apps that i use everyday.

Winamp
Last.fm
Mozilla Firefox
Getright
Bitcomet
Gtalk
MSN Messenger
Yahoo Messenger

Artists that i listen to everyday.

Mandy Moore
Kamelot
Breaking Benjamin
Lifehouse

One word that i listen to everyday.
"Study!"

My Personality Chart

Check This Out....Weird.

The Joy Of Giving......

Last week has been really special for me. I've realized a few things which sure have changed the way i look at life now...the whole perspective..has changed.

I like to introduce you to Mr.A (identity with held), a 35 something, married,father of 3. He lives in a small house, a room actually,with a bathroom. His monthly income is around 1500 rupees. Monthly rent is 900rupees, 100 rupees for the school fees. That leaves him with 500 rupees for clothing,food and other requirements. Survival in this kind of financial position is very very difficult,almost impossible these days.

He comes to our house a few times every week, just to hang around and talk about things. He never asks for "monetary help".

Now, my monthly pocket money/allowance is 2000rupees, half the money i spend on magz,novels,cds. Half the money on petrol,mobile. There is certainly a waste of money. Last week i decided to do something. Something that i'll stick to no matter what happens. Ive decided to help out Mr.A, financially. Yesterday, i went to his house. He was more than glad to see me and he literally hugged me. It felt weird, in a nice way. I talked to him about the "monetary help", and he refused, giving that i'm-so-embarrassed smile. I convinced him and gave him 700rupees. Trust me,he had tears in his eyes. I told him, "100 are for the school fees, the boys education shouldn't be compromised,these boys are your future. And the rest for your other expenses."
This whole thing is just between us two, no one knows about it.And i want it to be that way, i told him. When i was about to leave he just gave me this hug which lasted forever, he was crying. That hug was different from the first one, it was so full of harmony,joy,peace and love. I told him to be brave and believe in the power of prayer and god. The moment i came out of his house, i felt this sudden chill down my spine, goosebumps kinda thing. I was walking down the street and had this big smile on my face, i don't know why.

Now, my allowance has gone down to 1300rupees, and i don't feel bad at all. I'll be helping him out every month. And yeah, next week, there's a wedding in our locality, and i've already donated 300rupees today, for the food. It feels so awesome! I don't know, but it feels so good from the inside when i see people happy...

Now let me clarify a few things. I'm not typing this whole thing just to show people how "generous" or "fluffy"i am, no. I don't want to impress girls and make them go "oh! hes so nice, i'll ask him out.",no. I don't want to get laid,no. I just want you, my brothers and my brother's sisters, to experience the joy of giving. Its a feeling thats worth,umm, i don't know how many zillion dollars.

Just look at the world around you. This world needs you. If people, like you and me, give generously, this world will turn into a better place,thats for sure. We are slaves of the materialistic world. We don't own things, things own us.

In the words of Tyler Durden :

"We are products of lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty do not concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with five hundred channels and a designer name on my underwear"

Just ignore the murder,crime,poverty part.You get the picture.

Ulcers <--> Mountain Dew

So this is what i got recently...ulcers...and i told my dad about it..the first thing he said "No Mountain Dew Now"

Whats with ulcers and mountain dew? :S

Wokay,i admit, im addicted to dew, 4-5 cans everyday, but...whats the thing with ulcers?

Last year,i was throwing up blood..wokay, not literally, it came out,in a very small amount, when i went *cough* *cough* doctors said that it was due to excess of menthol in my lungs, and menthol is found in.... dew! And unfortunately, the doc told my dad abt this, and then there was "the ban"... well, everything got back to normal....(4-5 cans everyday) when this ulcer thingy happened...and now theres "the ban" again... god help me...

(im still drinking 4-5 cans everyday...muahahaha...the fridge is so big,im hiding the cans in there....muahahaaha)

UFO Sighting In India

Two unidentified flying objects were spotted hovering/manouvering over Karnal (Punjab) and Delhi. DC of Punjab refused to comment and had a verbal fight with a tv reporter.. Conspiracy? StarNews has been showing the footage, they look like ufos,bluish light,there are actually two ufos in the footage and one does a very cool looking manouver,goes right,stops, and then goes left with the other ufo, something an ordianry jet fighter cant do.....these ufo were apart of type3 civilaztion, to my knowledge... ( later on the types of civilizations)
Aliens do exist, i beileve.

still alive, and not kicking...

let the blogging begin :D

What Kind Of A Rocker Are You?

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing. That doesn't mean you don't rock out... You just rock out with meaning. For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

eh, i want to be myself, unique and different. but i also want to be like daron malakian :)
he is \mm/

What Color Should Your Blog Be?

Your Blog Should Be Yellow

You're a cheerful, upbeat blogger who tends to make everyone laugh. You are a great storyteller, and the first to post the latest funny link. You're also friendly and welcoming to everyone who comments on your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

eeww...i hate yellow... Black I Like..BLACK BLACK!!

How Machiavellian Are You??

You Are The Opposite of Machiavellian

You don't have a cynical, power hungry bone in your body. Honest and kind, you believe being a good person is the most important thing. While your upstanding morals should be admired, be careful! You're at risk for being manipulated and toyed with.

How Machiavellian Are You?

\m/

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship. You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

sweet...

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Your Heart Is Pink

In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't. Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time. Your flirting style: Coy Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant What you bring to relationships: Romance

What Color Heart Do You Have?

eheheeh...

What Sign Should You Be?

You Should Be A Sagittarius

What's good about you: bold and adventure loving, life is one big party for you What's bad about you: you don't think before speaking - and you often regret it! In love: you're flirtatiously playful, but you never play games In friendship, you're: the one who keeps everyone laughing Your ideal job: fortune teller, philosopher, or athlete Your sense of fashion: your own mix of vintage and new pieces You like to pig out on: anything you haven't tried before

What Sign Should You Be?

wow..i am a Sagittarius...im lovin' it

The 5 Factor Personality Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

nniice...