Sunday, March 23, 2008

Questions..

*Listening to Kamelot's Abandoned*

Who am I? Who are you? What am i doing here? What are you doing here? Why are we here? Why am i writing this? Why are you reading this? Is this a waste of time? Or will this change your life? Forever? For a day? For an hour? For a minute?

My mind is empty. There are no thoughts. Just questions. Questions with no answers. I'm thinking about something right now. Yes, right now.

"What if I make stupid grammatical mistakes in this post? People will make fun of me."

I have no answer. Or maybe I don't really care. Why should I care? I have no answer.
I'm lost. It's like I have reached a dead-end. It's a dead-end to me. This dead-end is like a huge wall made of bricks, countless bricks. These bricks are like questions. I stand here, and I go through each question, but in vain. I try to ignore a few questions. Somehow I manage to break through this wall and the next thing I know, i'm drowning in an ocean. I'm drowning in these questions. I call for help. Far away, I see a ship, there is hope. I try to swim. The ship moves further away, and disappears. My answer is gone. Strange....

What exactly did the above para mean? I have no answer.
Maybe I will talk about my personal life here. I think I will. Why? I have no answer.
This post makes no sense at all. There is no logic. I'm typing whatever that's on my mind.

My name is Amjad. I'm 21. And this is my story.

I grew up in Saudi Arabia. SA be my birth country. I'm an Indian. Proud to be one? No.
Childhood memories, they make me smile. I've always been a very shy kinda boy. An introvert,also. I don't talk much. I don't socialize. No, I'm not depressed. I don't slit wrists. It's just that i want to be alone. Alone with my own thoughts.

Life before 2005

I remember, during my school days, I didn't have many friends. "Hi! How are You?" kinda friends were many. But only 2 were very very close to me. They still are. Family , friends, birthday parties, video game parlors, skateboarding, football matches, tuitions and stuff like that. Internet, for me, was for music only back then. I didn't have time for internet to tell you the truth. Life was so exciting. Had no time for the gf/bf thing. Didn't like it anyways. 10 years ago, I met my best friend. Will always be thankful to God. He is more like a brother to me. He's in Delhi now, and happy. He has friends now. I don't have a problem with that. In fact, I'm happy for him. We talk on the phone sometimes. It makes me feel good. We both have so much in common - videogames, music, skateboarding, talking about almost anything and everything. Weird thing is, we never fought with each other. 10 years, all full of "LOLS" and "ROFLS". We were also known as "The Dew Boys", a Mountain Dew can, always in our hands.

Life after 2005

29th Dec,2004. The day I left Saudi Arabia. I remember, it was around 7pm when I hugged him, for the last time. For the first time in 10 years, we hugged each other in a not-so-gay manner. It was a weird feeling, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. We just laughed. It's been over 2 years now.
At the airport, it was a different scene. It was terrible. Mom couldn't stop crying, sister had tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. Hugged mom and sis, and then dad. The moment i was about to hug him, i looked him in the eyes, wet. I hugged him, he said "Don't worry. Be good. Take care" and his voice started to tremble, and he broke down. A strong man, crying. I controlled myself. I laughed a bit, made a joke, he started to laugh too. And the next thing I know, I'm sitting in the departure lobby crying like a baby, that was a funny scene. I miss them so much now. I wish i could turn back time, and take away all the pain that I've given them.

Life here in India is completely different. I live with my Grandma and Aunt now, in a very old house, it's almost a century old. Strange eh? I don't have a room of my own. There is no privacy here. I hardly go out. I don't like my relatives. I don't trust them. I have a relative in almost every locality here in Lucknow. So I'm under constant surveillance wherever I go. College friends, I have none. The last bench belongs to me. I hardly talk in class. I don't know why. It's like I'm invisible in class or something. I wake up, goto college, come back, and them I'm online. Enter Orkut.

The Orkut Life

For some reason, I'm thankful to Mr.Orkut for making this awesome social networking site. I've been on Orkut for almost 2 years now. Made hell loads of new friends. I started treating them like real friends.(My real social life is still non-existent). Some stayed, some deactivated their accounts. Some I don't trust, some I do. People ask me "Why are you always online?" I have no answer. And I'm online for almost 6-8 hours everyday. When I log off, I check my scrapbook again through my mobile. I don't know why. Some say, "Go make REAL friends". But where should I go? College? Where no one gives a shit? Where everyone's busy with their love thing? Where else?
Today, I sit here, 20 scraps, pending replies. Why am I not replying? I have no answer. Why is my "pimped" profile empty? I have no answer. Friends think I'm deactivating my account. I'm not. Why am I acting this way? Maybe I want attention? I have no answer. For a minute, I want the whole world to stop, just freeze.

What's the purpose of life? Why are we here? Do you wonder? I do, now.
I think about my future. I think about my parents. I'm there only hope. They depend on me. They are 5000kms away, in a room, thinking about me and my future. And here I'm, listening to music, talking to friends, downloading stuff. Why am I doing this? What if I die tomorrow? What if I die today? My virtual friends, they will never know. In time, they will forget.
We often tend to neglect our parents and their dreams. We pretend that we care and all, by going to college and studying. Do you wonder what people will say once you are dead? As in today? I know, for me it will be like this "He was a decent kid. He was on the computer all day long though,listening to music." I know this for sure. I goto college, I study. But the society always ignores the "good" things. I'm not good at anything, be it studying, gaming, guitar. What am I going to do? How will I survive in this world? How will I support my parents, my "future" wife and kids? How?
I'm looking for a change. I'm looking for answers. I've already found the answer to one question, and it's solitude.
Listen to me,yes, YOU. Love your parents. They've always been there for you. It's your turn now. I did hate my parents when I was a kid. Now I don't. Whatever they say, I know it's for my own good. It always is. Think about those who've lost their parents, and consider yourself lucky. Friends, they come and go. Not parents.
And if you think your parents hate you (sometimes they do), be good to them. No matter how "evil" they get, remember, they are the reason why you are here, in this world.
I believe in God. He is my Saviour.
I want to runaway from everything. I want to disappear.
I'm entering a different world. Maybe I will return. Maybe I will not.
I'm lost. Everything seems so lifeless now.

Why did I type all this? Why did I talk about my personal life? I have no answer...

8 Comments:

Nabila Zehra Zaidi said...

:-)

Thats it. :-)

.:Infektia:. said...

Yes.

I am proud that I had the fortune to be a friend of yours.

:)

This post should not be seen by normal mortals. :|

Kandy said...

unnerving...quaintly familiar...

EccEntrIcIty pErsOnIfIEd said...

You fucker... thats an amazingly well written post!!!
Even better than me!!! :|
OK... we both suck!!!
Academically and Blogging wise!!!

Amjad... said...

Hail Jablasness \m/

Nikhil Verma said...

Speechless ......

shaman said...

:)

Amjad Khan said...

:)