Sunday, May 10, 2009

You, You and You.

You talk about your ex and your bf at the same time. You stop doing that. It annoys me. Alot.

You there, stop bitching about your 9 to 5 job. You are at a better place with lots of chicks around. And you get paid well. So stfu.

You don't even care to say Hi.  You got some AtTiTuDe problem huh? You know what? Drop your clothes and fucking wear your AtTiTude only.

You are so retarded. First you send me lovey dovey txts, and then you say "oh we are just friends".  Don't fucking play with my mind. You are just a friend to me. Don't expect me to hold your hand or kiss you on your neck. I will fucking break your neck if you go around telling people that I'm your bf.

You bastard. I trusted you.

You confuse me. Because of you, I'm confused. Confusion is because of you.

You are so shameless. How many fucking times do I have to tell you that we are just friends? But no, all the time, you are all over me. It fucking annoys me. Back off!

You are a sadist. I thought you were a good person. But fuck, even you are just like the others.

You there, I fucking trusted you. And you fucked up my case, totally.

You make me feel like shit. You talk and act like as if you are a grown up woman. But no! Wait! Whooosh! Reality check! You are just another typical loose retarded egoistic teenager with no sense of purpose. Stop fucking with my mind. Stop punishing me for all the wrong things. I fucking don't deserve this.

And You! Yes You! You there!

Please come back. I miss you.

Monday, February 02, 2009

A B C Death.

Yesterday, I did something for the first time. I really dont know if its a good thing or not. But all I know is, whatever I did, I'll remember. 

I had my Management Aptitude Test yesterday. Sucked. Woke up early. The centre was way too far. I thought so. But it was just a 30 min ride in this.(not the same, it was green and without the jingle bell school thingy). To reach the centre, I had to change two autos. So the whole route was like A to B to C. C being the centre. I reached the centre at around 9:30. Exam commenced at 10. Ended at around 12:30.  I would've reached home at around 1. But I didn't. Reached at around 3.

For 2hours and 30minutes, I was going from C to B to A to B to C. For some unknown reason, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to go to a friend's place, I just wanted to stay in the auto and stare out of the window. It felt empty. It felt safe. It didn't feel good at all. Felt bad? Not really. Depressing? Sort of. But it felt safe. The feeling of being in solitude even when everyone is around, one of a kind feeling. Most of the time, the auto was jampacked. Women, men, kids. All of em. But I was just so oblivious to everything and everyone. I was lost in my own world. I could only hear my thoughts and questions, thats it.

"Where do we go when we die?"
"What is afterlife like?"
"What if I stick my head out of this window for a while?"
"What if I jump out of this auto? On this busy road?"
"Why do I feel empty all the time?"
"What is my purpose?"
"Why do I feel like I'm the most hated person?"
"Why am I not going home?"

And of course, I was trying to answer these questions, but in vain. For the first time, I truly felt what is it like to lead a life without any purpose. And it felt strange. Mystical actually. I've always wondered about death. It intrigues me. And yesterday, somehow, I felt like I was real real close to it. All this time, I felt my life had no purpose, I had no one to think about, no one to go to, no one to care for, nowhere to go.  Why was I alive? I could hear a whisper at the back of my mind, "Go, discover afterlife." It was strange. It was empty. Void. But it felt safe. I dont know why, but it did. I didnt want to go home or anywhere else. In solitude I found "home". A safe haven.

Supressed screams.
Silent claustrophobia.
Look me in the eyes.
I'm your end.

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god”
 - Francis Bacon, Sr. 

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Scarlet Regrets

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Silent Tide...

Tuesday, January 06, 2009