Monday, February 02, 2009

A B C Death.

Yesterday, I did something for the first time. I really dont know if its a good thing or not. But all I know is, whatever I did, I'll remember. 

I had my Management Aptitude Test yesterday. Sucked. Woke up early. The centre was way too far. I thought so. But it was just a 30 min ride in this.(not the same, it was green and without the jingle bell school thingy). To reach the centre, I had to change two autos. So the whole route was like A to B to C. C being the centre. I reached the centre at around 9:30. Exam commenced at 10. Ended at around 12:30.  I would've reached home at around 1. But I didn't. Reached at around 3.

For 2hours and 30minutes, I was going from C to B to A to B to C. For some unknown reason, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to go to a friend's place, I just wanted to stay in the auto and stare out of the window. It felt empty. It felt safe. It didn't feel good at all. Felt bad? Not really. Depressing? Sort of. But it felt safe. The feeling of being in solitude even when everyone is around, one of a kind feeling. Most of the time, the auto was jampacked. Women, men, kids. All of em. But I was just so oblivious to everything and everyone. I was lost in my own world. I could only hear my thoughts and questions, thats it.

"Where do we go when we die?"
"What is afterlife like?"
"What if I stick my head out of this window for a while?"
"What if I jump out of this auto? On this busy road?"
"Why do I feel empty all the time?"
"What is my purpose?"
"Why do I feel like I'm the most hated person?"
"Why am I not going home?"

And of course, I was trying to answer these questions, but in vain. For the first time, I truly felt what is it like to lead a life without any purpose. And it felt strange. Mystical actually. I've always wondered about death. It intrigues me. And yesterday, somehow, I felt like I was real real close to it. All this time, I felt my life had no purpose, I had no one to think about, no one to go to, no one to care for, nowhere to go.  Why was I alive? I could hear a whisper at the back of my mind, "Go, discover afterlife." It was strange. It was empty. Void. But it felt safe. I dont know why, but it did. I didnt want to go home or anywhere else. In solitude I found "home". A safe haven.

Supressed screams.
Silent claustrophobia.
Look me in the eyes.
I'm your end.

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god”
 - Francis Bacon, Sr. 


Indyeah said...

you have been tagged:)

Aparajita Paul said...

I don't think I understand this Amjad. Was it a reverie?

You know, sometimes when I'm on a car, I just feel like going on and on, I hate it when home comes. :/

Amjad Khan said...

Most probably, yes.

Aparajita Paul said...

But death? :S it seems a bit exaggerated version of it to me.

Amjad Khan said...

A daaaaaaaark reverie maybe? XD

Aparajita Paul said...

Tum bhi na. Maybe a murky dark one XDD

Indyeah said...


A list of questions will be given.
You have to answer each question as best as you can with the help of only ONE *ahem* picture.(dont gape at me!I am human you know!):)

The rule goes thus-I'm supposed to be pasting an image for every answer of mine,from the first page of google image search,with minimal explanation.

Use as less words as possible.The picture should be able to do the explaining for you.

The questions are:-
1.Your age on your next birthday
2. A place you’d like to travel to
3. Your Favorite place
4. Your favorite food/drink
5. Your favorite pet
6. Your favorite color combination
7. Your favorite piece of clothing
8. Your all time favorite song
9. Your favorite TV show:
10. Full name of your significant other
11. The town in which you live
12. Your screen name/nickname:
13. Your first job
14. Your Dream Job
15: Bad Habit you have
16. Your worst fear:
17. The one thing you would like to do before you die
18. The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000

I added the 19th question which read
19.Your favourite credo in life.:)
YOu can of course take your own time for doing this tag or even not do it if you dont want to(why not?:P)
You can tag your own friends if you want to.:)

Umm....and do only use pictures and as less words as possible and as less pictures too *sigh* look whos talking...:)
Copy pasted the rules for you..;)though I broke them all:)
the rules are there on the post too now..
have fun!:)

Dr. Killjoy said...

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this. And like I said, its not at all weird. The big deal you're making out of it is weird. This happens to me as well. And I feel its a great feeling. So...dont sweat it.

Amjad Khan said...

This is "my" blog. I can talk about "anything" here. Ok? :)