A B C Death.

Yesterday, I did something for the first time. I really dont know if its a good thing or not. But all I know is, whatever I did, I'll remember. 

I had my Management Aptitude Test yesterday. Sucked. Woke up early. The centre was way too far. I thought so. But it was just a 30 min ride in this.(not the same, it was green and without the jingle bell school thingy). To reach the centre, I had to change two autos. So the whole route was like A to B to C. C being the centre. I reached the centre at around 9:30. Exam commenced at 10. Ended at around 12:30.  I would've reached home at around 1. But I didn't. Reached at around 3.

For 2hours and 30minutes, I was going from C to B to A to B to C. For some unknown reason, I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to go to a friend's place, I just wanted to stay in the auto and stare out of the window. It felt empty. It felt safe. It didn't feel good at all. Felt bad? Not really. Depressing? Sort of. But it felt safe. The feeling of being in solitude even when everyone is around, one of a kind feeling. Most of the time, the auto was jampacked. Women, men, kids. All of em. But I was just so oblivious to everything and everyone. I was lost in my own world. I could only hear my thoughts and questions, thats it.

"Where do we go when we die?"

"What is afterlife like?"

"What if I stick my head out of this window for a while?"

"What if I jump out of this auto? On this busy road?"

"Why do I feel empty all the time?"

"What is my purpose?"

"Why do I feel like I'm the most hated person?"

"Why am I not going home?"

And of course, I was trying to answer these questions, but in vain. For the first time, I truly felt what is it like to lead a life without any purpose. And it felt strange. Mystical actually. I've always wondered about death. It intrigues me. And yesterday, somehow, I felt like I was real real close to it. All this time, I felt my life had no purpose, I had no one to think about, no one to go to, no one to care for, nowhere to go.  Why was I alive? I could hear a whisper at the back of my mind, "Go, discover afterlife." It was strange. It was empty. Void. But it felt safe. I dont know why, but it did. I didnt want to go home or anywhere else. In solitude I found "home". A safe haven.

Supressed screams.

Silent claustrophobia.

Look me in the eyes.

I'm your end.

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god”

 - Francis Bacon, Sr.